Posts

Sep 14 - Here we go again

 The purpose of this blog, when it was birthed all those years ago, was to be a record of my art practice and the process and the thoughts behind it. And as of today, it has become, sadly I might add, a epitaph of unfulfilled ambitions and unresolved desires, and a resting place for a whole lot of 'what-if's'.  Tonight is one of those times when my thoughts turn to the question if this is all that is to my existence. Or is there something worthwhile or at anything that I can look forward to. As of now, every day is just another rolled up meals packet of work to be completed, deadlines to be reached, invoices and payments, and mostly just hurtling from one job to another, grateful though i am for this, but i seem to be side stepping the big picture. The pressing need to find a house, one that can become a haven for my art and a place where my brain can soar freely. So much criteria for a dwelling, and the budget constraints. Tension is there, but one perseveres.  Every now a

04 sep 2022 - yet another rant

  One of those evenings, which as of now are showing up more frequently than before. Some of these are whole days. Days when one wakes up to these thoughts and which hold the whole body and not just the mind in its unrelenting grasp. On such days one wishes there was somewhere to go to fast. Maybe if I had a vehicle I could have just left this city behind and deposited myself in one of those temple towns which have done so much good for me usually. but of course driving remains an elusive art. the twin demons of laziness and putting it for another day (the word escapes me) sitting pretty on each shoulder. Escapism. Always the escapism. What else is new. All those years the comfort of women and their bodies. The associated emptiness and the guilt. The void immediately after they leave the house. The temporary solace of a warm comforting body and the soothing sounds of a kitchen in use. Of having someone to hold and speak to a fellow human for a change. Instead of me talking to the

06 aug 2022

Image
This blog started out many many years ago as a place where I had planned to pen down my process and thoughts behind the artwork that I had ambitions to create and show to the world. Over the years, rather soon after it took birth in my head on a rainy hillside which also houses a famous divinity, it became a place for me to delegate my contemplations and musings and pain and recollections and venting in general. Not much art though. And such has the journey been of this blog that each birthday sees a post, which usually speaks of resolutions unachieved, of recollections and guilt trips and the things I wish I had ticked off before reaching the a particular age milestone. Here we are with one more guilt trip post. Today on 6 aug 2022 I received a whatsapp message from mother superior. She wrote out a long recurring pain point on a piece of paper. Took a photo. And sent me on watsapp. This is it here. Keeping it here for posterity. A reminder to myself for having been unable to fulfill t

July 17 2022 | Another Birthday

Back when I had started this blog, way back in 2008 I think - this was meant to be a platform where I talk about my art and the process and the thoughts around it. And see what it has become now. Such are the ways of the mind and the heart I say. A journal of pain and longing is what it has evolved into over the years. More so around the onset of my birth date each year - which brings with it its own load of What If's and Why Not's accumulated over the years past.  I sit right now in the same house where I used to live before the marriage, there is a canvas right beside me and a glass I flicked from a tea shop - which now houses a generous portion of Greater Than gin and some filtered water.  As with every year, there are the guilt trips and the resolutions which I have failed to resolute. Thoughts and memories from the distant and not so distant past which come gushing and trying to find space in the murky recesses of my mind. And of course, my oldest friend the loneliness of

Gin and Tonic | Pehel festival | 11 April 2022

Having decided to be off booze for some time now, I seem to have come back to an old friend - introduced to me by a lovely lady some time back. Quite the comfort drink for the increasingly humid spell we seem to be having in Bangalore right now. Puts one in the right frame of mind I would say, floating above the clouds, and giving off a general vibe of all being well with the world.  Just came home after a very interestingly packed weekend of theatre performances and product sales at the venue of the theatre fest. Nice boost to self esteem and much happiness all around, save for a minor incident tonight at the venue. But I think considering the larger picture, that can be overlooked. Beautiful people, engaging performances and much ego boosting was the hallmark of this one weekend.  #pehelfestival #pehel And of course, gin and tonic, that balm for a hot and humid day. Just the right amount of lethargy. Now where is someone to cuddle and be all squishy with when you need one? ----------

July 17, 2021 | Happy 40th Birthday | Hebri | Udupi | Kollur | Mookambika

July 17, 2021 | Hebri | Udupi | Kollur | Mookambika I type this from the very self-pampered confines of a suite in Mahalakshmi Regency, a decently endowed hotel not 20 metres away from the ancient shrine of devi mookambika in kollur. A shrine which in the past decade or more has become very special to me. In ways that I can hardly describe or put into words. Let’s just say I am happy I am entering my 4 th decade on this planet at this holiest of holies. Wont be wrong to say that the goddess continues to inspire and guide in me in many ways. It’s a different matter that most of the times I might not have heeded her signals or directions, mostly due to my own inabilities or pure stupidity of nature. Well, here I am in Kollur, having freshly arrived from Udupi, another special place – the Krishna temple there is another fount of inspiration and guidance since long. Another reason the Udupi temple is dear to me is because of a institution called Mitra Samaj. This is a tiny restaurant

June 21 2021

To be touched and given the assurance of a hug. to be sat beside and have the shoulders touching each other with the faintest of  knowing smiles. to have that someone beside you and looking up at the same moon and the same clouds as you do. making out shapes of fluffy fat dogs and rabbits and dragons and hippos from those who go floating by unmindful of the effect they have on those far below days go on without a conversation nights pass by without someone to hold and feel and touch and be close to without some one  to talk to caress to touch or to just flirt why not and to love mostly to just share and open up  the feeling of being closed and of the shell creating new layers  into which i get enveloped and covered and stifled not something i would have wanted but one which i have pushed myself into over the years pushing myself into corners  away from those who were willing to open up new worlds  closing the windows they opened here i sit on my terrace still looking up at the same moo