On Being Incapable of Humanity
And then krishna brought the chariot to a standstill in the middle of the battlefield, and he said thus - "now then partha, listen to this story of a self obsessed neurotic, and you will realize you have it so good..."
"A feeling of déjà vu hangs in the air. I remember that I have been here earlier, in the not so distant past. It wasn’t pleasant then. It definitely isn’t now. But I seem to be doing this with an amazing regularity that it now seems that I am destined to do this to each and every one of those I care about. The thought process right now is one of resignation and indignation; resigned to my consistent ability to damage budding relationships of varying natures with my levels of insecurity driven impulsiveness, also labeled as immaturity by those in the know; and sheer indignation at the amount of complexity and sheer idiocy I keep adding into my already clueless existence.
Makes me wonder if in addition to my inabilities at handling electronic gadgets, motorized vehicles, and financial transactions, I have also graduated to being incapable of handling simple human relationships. I seem to be in my element among four legged creatures of the canine variety, in the middle of vegetation and grass, below open blue and grey skies, and beside water bodies that lap against my feet and remind me of the transient nature of my existence, yet aren’t able to drive away the demons that sleep inside me. I am happy when I have the wind blowing in my face, and the rain permeating into my skin, more when I can feel the wet grass through my toes, and when my fingers run through leaves dripping from the rain. I wonder, am I so incapable of relating to fellow humans?
My love is immense, so much that I can give you, and yes the inescapable truth, so much that I need and ask from you. But more than what you can give me, I want to give you more, than you would have ever expected or received from anyone ever. You will say I am demanding, insecure, emotionally unstable, and perhaps disturbingly clingy. I would say that I have been thirsty for love and for someone to take care of, that I keep looking and searching for wonderful people like you to shower the immense amounts of love that has kept accumulating over the past 30 years. Love that in today’s ‘I need space’ mindset would seem suffocating and unwanted. You would ask me – why am I doing this for you? How long do I even know you? I would say that it doesn’t matter anymore. I trust you with my whole life and everything that I own. You have become a part of my existence and that’s all I care about. Here, take what is mine and let me have your troubles, your pain, your tears. Here, take my shoulder, take my arm, lean on it if you are tired, lie down on my shoulder if you are sleepy.
You would say I am being archaic, too old fashioned for this generation and all that it believes in. I think maybe I don’t belong in this world. Or I am just holding on to a set of values that went out of style half a century ago. Or maybe I am just channelizing my insecurities and the need for physical and emotional fulfillment by attaching myself to you. Because as I see it, taking care of somebody and seeing them smile when with me is a feeling akin to none in the world. The heart expands in pride and joy at seeing you happy and content. My eyes turn moist at seeing you sleeping peacefully, without a care of the world. You say I am hungry for love. So hungry that I am willing to trade my morals for a few moments of passion and intimacy. So hungry that I would forsake my values and self-respect for keeping them happy and provided for. So hungry for approval and emotional reciprocity that I am willing to bend over and twist myself for you. You say that I demand too much.
I do. Isn’t that obvious."
Now then, said Krishna, aren't you glad you only have to fight your cousins and elders? And not the kind of demons that this guy has...
"A feeling of déjà vu hangs in the air. I remember that I have been here earlier, in the not so distant past. It wasn’t pleasant then. It definitely isn’t now. But I seem to be doing this with an amazing regularity that it now seems that I am destined to do this to each and every one of those I care about. The thought process right now is one of resignation and indignation; resigned to my consistent ability to damage budding relationships of varying natures with my levels of insecurity driven impulsiveness, also labeled as immaturity by those in the know; and sheer indignation at the amount of complexity and sheer idiocy I keep adding into my already clueless existence.
Makes me wonder if in addition to my inabilities at handling electronic gadgets, motorized vehicles, and financial transactions, I have also graduated to being incapable of handling simple human relationships. I seem to be in my element among four legged creatures of the canine variety, in the middle of vegetation and grass, below open blue and grey skies, and beside water bodies that lap against my feet and remind me of the transient nature of my existence, yet aren’t able to drive away the demons that sleep inside me. I am happy when I have the wind blowing in my face, and the rain permeating into my skin, more when I can feel the wet grass through my toes, and when my fingers run through leaves dripping from the rain. I wonder, am I so incapable of relating to fellow humans?
My love is immense, so much that I can give you, and yes the inescapable truth, so much that I need and ask from you. But more than what you can give me, I want to give you more, than you would have ever expected or received from anyone ever. You will say I am demanding, insecure, emotionally unstable, and perhaps disturbingly clingy. I would say that I have been thirsty for love and for someone to take care of, that I keep looking and searching for wonderful people like you to shower the immense amounts of love that has kept accumulating over the past 30 years. Love that in today’s ‘I need space’ mindset would seem suffocating and unwanted. You would ask me – why am I doing this for you? How long do I even know you? I would say that it doesn’t matter anymore. I trust you with my whole life and everything that I own. You have become a part of my existence and that’s all I care about. Here, take what is mine and let me have your troubles, your pain, your tears. Here, take my shoulder, take my arm, lean on it if you are tired, lie down on my shoulder if you are sleepy.
You would say I am being archaic, too old fashioned for this generation and all that it believes in. I think maybe I don’t belong in this world. Or I am just holding on to a set of values that went out of style half a century ago. Or maybe I am just channelizing my insecurities and the need for physical and emotional fulfillment by attaching myself to you. Because as I see it, taking care of somebody and seeing them smile when with me is a feeling akin to none in the world. The heart expands in pride and joy at seeing you happy and content. My eyes turn moist at seeing you sleeping peacefully, without a care of the world. You say I am hungry for love. So hungry that I am willing to trade my morals for a few moments of passion and intimacy. So hungry that I would forsake my values and self-respect for keeping them happy and provided for. So hungry for approval and emotional reciprocity that I am willing to bend over and twist myself for you. You say that I demand too much.
I do. Isn’t that obvious."
Now then, said Krishna, aren't you glad you only have to fight your cousins and elders? And not the kind of demons that this guy has...
Comments