June 21 2021

To be touched and given the assurance of a hug.
to be sat beside and have the shoulders touching each other with the faintest of  knowing smiles.

to have that someone beside you and looking up at the same moon and the same clouds as you do.

making out shapes of fluffy fat dogs and rabbits and dragons and hippos from those who go floating by unmindful of the effect they have on those far below

days go on without a conversation

nights pass by without someone to hold and feel and touch and be close to

without some one 

to talk

to caress

to touch

or to just flirt why not

and to love

mostly to just share and open up

 the feeling of being closed

and of the shell creating new layers 

into which i get enveloped and covered and stifled

not something i would have wanted

but one which i have pushed myself into

over the years

pushing myself into corners 

away from those who were willing to open up new worlds 

closing the windows they opened

here i sit

on my terrace

still looking up at the same moon

from the same terrace

where i used to

all those years ago

back to where i was

still doing the same

the circle has come back

to haunt me and keep me trapped

in this very forest i created.

is it too much to ask

i wonder

dont i deserve a chance

to be a better human

to be a better version of myself

to be a better companion

will my past karma

the things i did

the actions of the past few years

to those who cared for me

will it never let me move ahead

find someone new 

find a reason to live 

and be happy

to be ambitious

and to want to live

and look forward to a new day.

as of today

the only touch of comfort

and assurance 

and love

is from those furry friends 

on the roads

and the birds around my balcony

who favour me with their presence

and voices

and 

the sight of the couples who walk together

sometimes holding hands

sometimes holding each other

conversing

talking

fighting

but walking together

the children on the roads

playing, cycling

playing with their parents

being carried by their dads

their happy voices that carry on the winds

from windows and terraces 

as i walk by in the night

through darkened streets and 

tree blessed mains and crosses

wonder if i will miss this all the way to my grave

its funny actually

there are my friends who are blessed with everything

loving spouse, a strong home, 

and basically everything they could desire for

very family types, if you know what i mean

but not wanting a child of their own

thats ok of course.

and then there's me.

really missed that bus.

it just takes the sight of kids playing to get me all teary eyed now.

thats all,

the sight of kids being brought to the park by the parent

the parent playing with the kids

guiding them

teaching them how to play on the swings and the crossbars

protecting them from the sharp edges of the swings in the park

so its june 21, 2021 and just a few days to my 40th birthday.

one remains hopeful of course

what else is there to do 

if not have hope

in the powers that be